That little spot south of Ukraine continues to fascinate people all around the world, and should Putin ever decide on a singing career, his version of Crimea River would surely rake in 140% of the top billboard spots. At the same time, I’m sure that no one’s interest in the previous events which made Crimea famous has been piqued. That’s all right, because as a history student I specialise in things that no one cares about.
So just what was the Crimean War? On the first level, you would say that it was a war which happened in Crimea. And you wouldn’t be wrong – but if you’re going to say this and pass yourself off as a military history expert, then you’ve got about as much chance as any given unnamed character in a Rambo movie. Here, therefore, are five things you need to know about the Crimean War:
1. The One Where Everyone Was Against Russia
History, like Keanu Reeves, doesn’t change, and predictably the whole thing began with Russia. First of all, Russia rushed through the Expandables 1, 2 and 3 in twenty years, and talks were in for a fourth. Second, they demanded the Ottoman Empire let them protect Eastern Orthodox people in Turkey. Obviously the Ottomans were having none of that.
So what did Russia do? Clue: it’s something they do all the time.
Britain and France weren’t happy about this, of course. They generally aren’t happy about anything (read: each other) but this was particularly pissifying. The French in particular were annoyed, because they’d been trying to gain a religious upper hand in the Ottoman Empire. So what did they do?
They sent a fleet to the Dardenelles. Now anything France does Britain has to do too.
So they sent a fleet to the Dardenelles as well. All this happened without a formal declaration of war; so we have three European countries wondering around in Ottoman territory. Tired of having to figure out which red, blue and white flag was which, the Ottomans made it simpler for themselves by declaring war on Russia and promptly attacking them. And after Russia rejected a proposed treaty, so did Britain and France. Russia must have felt very proud of itself.
2. The Charge of the Light Brigade happened during the war.
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume it wasn’t quite like this.
The Charge of the Light Brigade is part of the Battle of Balaclava, which is not quite the same as the battle for balaclava (terrorists running around shooting each other in order to get the last ski mask on sale). Originally, the Light Brigade was going to handle something they were capable of handling, but someone made a massive mistake when his sweep of the arm to locate their targets included some pretty heavy duty guns. There are two lessons to be learnt from this: a) don’t sweep your arms and b) if you don’t want to get the blame, die. (The guy who swept his arms got killed later on.)
They rode horses into cannons. The leader, Lord Cardigan (the Battle of Balaclava was really the precursor of any given fashion week today), survived and went off to have champagne on his yacht.
3. Florence Nightingale was around.
For a war that not many people care about, it sure spawned a lot of famous names. The Lady with the Lamp went around with some 38 volunteeer nurses trying to fix up wounded British soldiers – most of whom were suffering from disease more than actual wounds. Whether she participated in the Charge of the Light Brigade was not known.
4. It gave the Americans Alaska.
You that little bit on the map that’s always the same colour as the USA even though there’s this big chunk of Canada in between? Yep – the Crimean War was the reason why. After the war ended, the Russians were so far in debt that they decided to sell off the land. Unfortunately, they didn’t know just how valuable it was going to be until 13 years later, when the USA discovered oil and shit.
Then again, the Russians were responsible for Sarah Palin, so we all know who the real winner is here.
5. The last surviving veteran of the Crimean War was a tortise.
Timothy was actually a girl (anyone who knows a Timothy, you might want to check) and served as a mascot on multiple Royal Navy ships. At her time of death she was around 165 years old and lived a long, fruitful life. After serving with the navy, she decided that enough was enough and took up residence in an Earl’s home, where she got the Earl’s motto etched onto her underbelly: “Where have I fallen? What have I done?”
Admittedly, this is not one of the best mottos around.
And thus concludes five things you need to know about the Crimean War. This article was written for no reason except to use the Crimea River joke.
the grumpy bulldog 